Basique
by GeoFount
Summary: [Levi x Sleep] There's a reason he always looks so tired AKA: Levi tries to find people to sleep with because he can't sleep by himself. Chapter 3: [Levi x Eavesdropping] Levi overhears his squad talking about if he would tops or not.
1. Moon

**I don't know what I was on when I wrote this. Title is just a random song I was listening to cause I couldn't think of one. I have no idea what it means. Some of this was inspired by the wonderful stuff on Tumblr and random youtube videos so if you recognize some quotes, that's why.  
**

* * *

Perhaps it was because of his old days when he was a thug and always had to watch his back or at least have someone he trusted watching it for him. Or maybe it started even further back, back when he was an orphan and slept amid a pile of other orphan children not just for warmth but protection as well. Whatever the reason, Levi found that he was unable to sleep alone. If he was in bed by himself he would only toss and turn, growing more and more frustrated and agitated with every hour. For some reason he needed to hear the sound of someone else's breathing, needed to feel the extra weight next to him, even if he isn't touching the other person. It wasn't about sex. Levi found sex rather unsanitary and dirty. All that sweat and saliva and…bodily fluids. Disgusting.

No, this was simply about sleep. Sleep, that elusive demonic angel that always remained outside of his grasp. He needed sleep so bad but in order to sleep Levi needed someone to sleep with.

Erwin was the first one he tried. The Commander was relatively quiet - when he wasn't screaming orders that is - methodical, practical, and sturdy. Levi imagined he slept like a baby. Surely he would with all the stress he dealt with. Sleep must be Erwin's escape, rationalized Levi, the one time when his body and mind could relax and rejuvenate. And thankfully, after a bit of explanation that started off awkwardly, Erwin was willing to oblige him.

"Of course, Levi," said Erwin, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking off his boots. "If it helps you sleep that's fine. The bed is big enough for the both of us."

Levi is incredibly excited, though his facial expression never changes. He hasn't had a good sleep in weeks. To curl up and sleep. A whole night of sleep! Oh how he looked forward to it.

And Erwin's bed, not surprisingly, was huge. Levi could have rolled across it five times without falling off (Erwin typically could only get away with three, which made him think the bed was rather small himself) and it was so soft. The moment Levi put his hand on it he felt like heaven had somehow materialized into physical form before him. Yes heaven had materialized into this bed just for him to sleep on. Sleep. Oh God.

Erwin didn't say good night to him (because that would have been weird). Once they were both situated on their respective sides he simply blew out the light and laid down.

Levi burrowed into the plush sheets like a baby rabbit, a contended sigh escaping his lips. Yes, this was great. Just great. Exactly what he needed. He was going to sleep _so well_.

A few minutes past in blissful dark silence. On the other side of the bed Erwin twitched. He grunted. Levi ignored this. He could deal with a few little noises. A few minutes past in sweet golden silence. Then.

"Deviant," Erwin grunted. "Right flank. Green smoke signal. Turn left, turn left." He snorted. "Damn bitch."

Levi's eye slit open. _You have got to be fucking kidding me._

"Forward." Erwin twitched some more and grunted. "Forward, forward. Detonate the bombs. Draw swords. You can't stop me, Irwin."

Levi sat up. He couldn't believe it. Was the Commander really giving out orders _in his sleep_?

"Switch to 3dmg gear. Use the trees. Forward, forward. Kill the titans. Empty the carts. Cart team on defense. Big naps."

Levi buried his face in his hands.

"Dicksquad."

* * *

His second choice was Mike. Truth be told Levi hadn't had much interaction with Mike. Being the second best after Levi, Mike's was normally put on a different task or in a different area than Levi was. Erwin didn't think it made any sense to have his two best soldiers in the same spot so they were typically separated. Despite that, Levi felt comfortable around the other male and trusted in his ability. So after Erwin, Levi figured Mike was his next best choice.

After some strange expressions and sniffing, Mike agreed to it. His bed was smaller than Erwin's but still big enough they could both reside in it with a decent amount of space between them.

Surely, Levi thought, Mike wouldn't talk in his sleep like Erwin. Mike was pretty quiet overall, only speaking when he had something important to say. He had weird habits, like his incredibly dog like sense of smell, but talking incessantly was not one of them.

However it didn't take long after the lights went out for Levi to discover that, like his sense of smell, Mike had other habits that resembled a canines. In his sleep he growled and snarled. His lips pulled back, exposing his blunt teeth. He whimpered and his arms and legs twitched. By the time his limbs started moving crazily back and forth, apparently in an attempt to chase down something in his dreams, Levi was already out of the bed and halfway out the door.

* * *

His next choice, the only other available choice at the time, was Hanji. It was a hard decision. Hanji was weird. Levi knew it and _she _knew it. Levi had even started to consider that instead of calling deviant titans, well, deviants it would be better to call them Hanjis. But he needed sleep. He needed sleep so damn bad that he would be willing to try with Hanji. Who knew, maybe she would turn out to be one of those people who fell asleep right away and didn't move or budge or make any noise. That would be wonderful.

Hanji agreed to the sleeping arrangements a little more eagerly than Levi found usual. Then again there wasn't really much about Hanji that was usual so he let it slide.

He spent one night with Hanji. Only one night.

He slept good. _Too _good. And when he woke the next morning, Hanji conveniently already gone, he discovered all sorts of weird measurements and notes on his body. Some even in places he'd prefer not to mention.

The sleep was good but Levi decided in the end that he'd rather lose sleep then become another one of Hanji's experiments. As much as he wanted to help humanity he wasn't about to get molested by Hanji to do so.

* * *

There was his squad too.

Out of the four Petra was the best choice. She blushed like a maniac when he approached her but she was aware of his sleeping, errr, condition. Most of the scouting legion knew by now so at least they weren't gossiping behind his back that he was sexing the entire legion anymore. Levi generally didn't care what people thought about him but that rumor had been a little insulting. He had better things to do then be passed around like a bong at a frat party. He had titans to kill after all. And fancy suits to wear. And stuff to clean. Yes that especially.

Besides Levi knew Petra would never deny him. Not only because it was him but because she was the type who wouldn't deny help to someone who is in need.

Sweet darling Petra. He bet she slept like an angel. Maybe on her back with her mouth slightly open, faint breath going in and out steadily, a noise that could soothe him into dreamy sleep. Maybe she would become his bedtime angel.

It started out fine. Her bed was small, of course, and there were only a few scant inches between them but Levi didn't care. He had no attention of initiating anything and Petra was too timid a person to try anything. She curled up on her side, blushing madly and teetering on the edge of the bed. It took her a while to fall asleep but when she finally did Levi sighed. Perfect. So perfect. Everything was perfect.

He was very nearly asleep when Petra smacked him in the face with the back of her hand. She had rolled over onto her back, arms spread out wide, and her hand had planted itself right onto Levi's cheek. Gingerly, Levi took the offending hand and moved it next to Petra's head.

Okay. Maybe that was a one time thing.

It wasn't. Petra tossed and turned more than any other person Levi had ever met and for a asleep person she had incredible accuracy. He didn't know how many times he got a hand in the face, a knee in the back, or her feet kicking him sharply in the calves. It seemed no matter how far or close to her he was she would succeed in hitting him.

When she finally kneed him in the balls, Levi decided he had had enough. He went off to drink some tea and nurse his wounded…parts.

* * *

The others were just as bad if not worse.

Auruo was so high strung and freaked out by the situation that there was no way Levi could get relaxed enough to fall asleep. He kept muttering curse words under his breath the entire time. "Damnit, what is the shit. Don't screw with me. Unbelievable." Even if Auruo did sleep wonderfully, Levi concluded that there was no way Auruo would sleep wonderfully with another man in his bed and quit while he was ahead.

Erd was more relaxed about it but he was a notorious blanket hog. Levi would wake up in the middle of night, completely blanket less and shivering, while Erd would be on the other side of the bed wrapped up in every single blanket like he was creating his own cocoon. No matter how Levi tugged on the blankets there was no getting them back.

Gunther was worse. _The _worse. He wet the bed. Which not only made Levi miss sleep but become very pissed off too. He forced Gunther to clean it up right away, despite it being the middle of the night, and spent the rest of the night nursing his very offended feelings and grievances.

* * *

_(Then there was that one night when his squad decided to push all their beds together to form one giant mattress so they could all sleep together. That way Levi would have plenty of people to sleep with. So he could sleep._

_It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done so despite his reservations Levi indulged them. _

_Erd kept accusing Auruo of farting, which he wasn't, and Petra had a bad case of the giggles where she found everything funny. Whenever they finally calmed down and things got quiet, Gunther would make a farting noise and the whole charade would start over again._

_None of them got any sleep that night and the next day they were virtually useless, except for Levi who was used to functioning with little to no sleep. Despite that, it was one of the fondest memories Levi has, though he prefers not to think about it anymore. It hurts too much to.)_

* * *

There were others that Levi tried with. Other members of the scouting legion but none of them worked out. Dieter snored like a rutting bull and Moblit. Moblit had refused him outright, muttering he was straight and something about an endangered species. Levi had no idea what he was talking about and chalked it up to the fact that Hanji's weirdness was likely rubbing off on him – or he _had _been as weird as Hanji to begin with. He even tried Jean, who started crying about some Marco character and half jokes that hurt his feelings.

Then one day he looked up and saw him. Eren. Oh yes, Eren. God he bet Eren slept good. He was so crazy and psychopathic throughout the day that he likely ran out of steam at night and conked out like a dead person. Yes, yes, Eren would probably be the most ideal sleeping partner. Why had Levi never thought about him before?

Well Eren was fifteen. And he was thirty-four. But it was sleep. _Just _sleep! That was okay then right?

Then again what the hell did Levi care? He was the goddamn Heichou. He could do whatever he damn well liked

And he needed sleep so damn bad. He'd be willing to do almost anything for it at this point.

Levi placed his chin in his hands and stared at Eren throughout the day, thinking about just how wonderful it would be to get some sleep.

* * *

In his bed Eren twisted and turned in nervous excitement. He couldn't sleep. Because tonight it was going to happen. Tonight would be the night. Tonight would be the night he would lose his virginity.

He had seen the way Levi had been looking at him throughout the day. Levi wanted him, he knew it. Ever since the day Levi had kicked him in the face and knocked his tooth out Eren knew there was something special between them. Eren had once tried to say to him that he found him strangely attractive and they should get a drink together, but it had come out as muffled garbage and Levi had only looked at him strangely and then ordered him to go clean something. Maybe that was Levi's way of flirting, ordering him to clean stuff and threatening bodily harm on him. It only made sense when it came to Levi.

There was the sound of footsteps outside the door. It was time. He was here. Now Eren would become Levi's waifu.

Eren sat up, preparing to greet his captain and possibly new boyfriend.

* * *

Levi stood in front of Eren's door, caught in indecision. He knew this was a stupid idea. He should have asked Eren earlier today but the kid was dumb as a doorknob and likely would have only freaked out and caused a scene. No, approaching him at night when there was no one else around so Levi could properly explain was likely the better course of action. It would at least keep others from knowing anyway.

Levi pushed open the door and raised the lantern to look inside.

Eren was sitting up in his bed, tearing his clothes off and screaming. "Heichou, my body is ready!"

Levi slammed the door shut.

* * *

A few hours later Hanji encountered him in the kitchen when she came to get some water. She observed his shadowed expression and stiff posture, and made a hypothesis. "You tried to sleep with Eren, didn't you?"

Levi raised his tea cup shakily to his lips. "Maybe."

"It didn't go very well, did it?"

"No."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No!"

"I have something you can try you know. It's a herb we just discovered but it seems to have relaxing properties to it that may help you relax. Interested?"

Levi raised his head to look at her. "Perhaps…"

* * *

A few weeks later and the bags under Levi's eyes had nearly disappeared. He looked more well-rested than anyone had ever seen, although sometimes he seemed a little disjointed and slow. Jean had even found him talking to his horse one day, telling the beast supposedly great ideas that made no sense at all, and Mikasa had watched him walk into a wall multiple times, accusing the wall of moving into his way.

So one day Erwin couldn't help but ask him, "Did you find something that has helped you sleep?"

"Oh yea." Levi grinned like a feral cat and dug into his jacket. He held up the plastic baggie. Inside it were green chunks that Erwin did not recognize. "I found the good shit!"

* * *

**For all those poor people out there like me who never get enough sleep or just can't sleep. **


	2. Start Shootin

**I can't believe I'm updating this thing. Rampant OOCness, rampant stupidity, rampant cursing. Should not be read by anyone. **

**I'm so so sorry.**

**Title is from the album Mickey Mouse Operation by Little People (yes you read that right), where I got the first title from. Figured I'd keep going with it since its a bit amusing considering Levi is the star character. I'm so sorry. Don't do drugs kids.**

**PS: Don't take any of this seriously.**

**Chapter 2 Summar: [Levi x Annoyances] Levi hates living with other people.**

* * *

To say that Levi wasn't much of a people person was a gross overstatement. Or at least to Levi it was. He was, effectively, around people about eighteen hours of the day, more or less depending on what was going on. He was continually having orders ushered to him and continually having to give orders to others. _And_ he was humanity's strongest and one of the highest ranking individuals in the scouting legion, which meant he had people up his ass pretty much constantly. In all that time he had managed _not _to cut someone's head off. Very impressive feat indeed.

Therefore Levi regarded himself as quite the people person. Sure he may not be the most talkative or the most approachable (you wouldn't be either if you were 5'3 and everyone kept mistaking you for a young teen or older child when you're in your mid-thirties for the love of God) but he was most definitely a people person.

But even a people person has their limits. Especially when it comes to suddenly having six roommates plopped into your lap.

* * *

It didn't start out all that bad really. At least for the first week or so. Moving into the castle had seemed like the best idea. It was big and there would be plenty of room for everyone, but it had to be cleaned. No not cleaned. _Scrubbed_. Everything. Levi even made Gunther put on 3d gear and sweep the roof. Gunther had tried saying something about the wind just blowing the leaves and dust and whatever the fuck else he had been talking about back onto it but Levi had insisted, saying he had better be able to eat off the fucking thing once Gunther was done.

So the first week was good. Everyone cleaned. Everyone was polite. They mingled amicably and everyone was considerate. Even dopey Eren was relatively quiet and peaceful so long as nobody brought up titans.

However it didn't take long for things to deteriorate.

* * *

It started at dinner. Everyone had finished their meal and were getting up, talking and joking in their usual way. Customarily everyone would grab their plate and bring it to the kitchen where they would wash it. But tonight. Tonight Erd got up and _left _his dirty plate on the table.

It took Levi a good minute before he could form words. "Why the fuck is that still here?" He stared at the dirty plate as if it were a dead rat.

The others turned to look. "Oh, sorry." Erd laughed and rubbed the back of his head. "I just forgot it."

Levi watched like a hawk as Erd retrieved the plate, his fictional hackles slowly falling from where they had risen. Okay. That wasn't so bad. Erd had just forgot, that was all. He wasn't being lazy on purpose. Surely.

* * *

Levi stared at the full garbage like he was trying to set it aflame. His eyebrow was ticking in a very peculiar manner. Why? Why was there a _full _garbage can sitting here? Why had nobody bothered to take it out? It even looked like people had been carelessly throwing stuff on top of the already _full _garbage can.

When Eren walked in a few minutes later, he stopped. "Something wrong, Heicho?"

Levi's mouth twitched like a cat watching birds from a window. "Why is this here?"

Eren looked confused.

"This full garbage. Why is it here?"

"Oh." Eren looked at it. "Cause that's where the garbage is supposed to go," he said brightly.

Levi's eyebrow was ticking worse than before. He seized Eren by his shirt front and dragged the teen towards him until their noses nearly touched. Eren's eyes widened.

"Get. It. Out. Now." He released the teen and walked away from the icky garbage. _Fucking idiots._

* * *

Then there was the noise.

Levi sat in his office, looking over reports regarding the brat. Erwin had been trying his best to collect as much data as he could about Eren's past in the hopes there might be some clue as to where his father had disappeared to. Unfortunately most of the records were shot due to the wall falling. It had been a tedious and frustrating affair.

From outside his office, Levi heard singing. It wouldn't have been so bad had it been good singing. Or if the song consisted of anything besides big butts, loose women, and getting drunk. Levi lowered his paper.

Who the fuck was singing? Didn't they know other people could hear them? Why did that person think other people wanted to listen to his nonsense?

"Keep it down out there," Levi shouted.

Silence descended and a moment later Hanji yelled back, "Sorry!"

Levi returned to his papers, grumbling.

* * *

Then the lights.

Levi had a hard time sleeping. Everyone knew that. If it wasn't completely dark and silent, Levi found it almost impossible to fall asleep. He also hated closing his door. Maybe it was a pet peeve or maybe it was because he associated closed spaces with being in jail, a place he had visited one too many times during his thug days, but he liked to sleep with his door open. Plus he would then be able to keep an eye on anything that might be happening elsewhere.

So when Levi went to bed he blew out all the lights. He was very careful about this because leaving candles and torches burning when there was no one there was a waste to begin with. Levi hated wasting things. He went to bed in the blissful dark. Things were quiet. It was great.

A few minutes later and a light shined onto Levi. He cracked open an eye. Someone had lit the lights. He could hear them shuffling about. Okay, that was fine. Maybe they had forgotten something. Levi yawned and turned over, waiting for the light to go out.

Time passed. The light was still on. The shuffling faded but the light was still on. Levi waited, his finger ticking on the bedclothes, annoyance building. Finally he got up.

The other room was vacant. Just a bunch of candles lit with no one in there. Scowling, Levi blew them out. He got back into bed. A few minutes later another light shone on him. Levi growled.

Three times he got up and went to various rooms. Each time he went in there no one was in there. People were just _leaving _lights on for no reason. "The next person who leaves candles lit is going to get my sword up their ass!"

From down the hall someone called out, "Would you keep it down! Some of us are trying to sleep!"

Levi muffled his scream into his palms.

* * *

Then they started running out of things.

Levi stared at the empty drawer. Spoons. They were out of spoons. Not a single spoon. He looked over at the sink. There was only two or three in there. And they were _dirty. _

Surely there had to be more spoons. There had been close to forty of them when they had first moved in. Levi knew, he had counted. What else was he supposed to stir his tea with? A fork? Please.

So Levi went on a spoon hunt. For some reason he had a pretty fair idea where they might be.

In the basement. In the basement he found eight. Eight spoons in varying degrees of dirtiness. Some were sitting in tubs of what must have been fruit or bowls of soup. Some were just sitting there not even in anything, as if someone had grabbed the spoon just for decoration purposes.

"Eight!" Levi yelled at Eren later. "Eight spoons! Why were there eight spoons down there? Why didn't you bring any of them up to the kitchen? You have to _walk by _the kitchen on your way out of the basement for God's sake! Is it really so hard to bring them upstairs! Eight spoons! Why were there eight spoons down there?"

"Sorry, Heichou." Eren was positively cowering. "I get hungry at night so I use the spoons."

Levi's eyes flared. "Does that mean you're the one who's been leaving lights on too?"

"What lights?"

Levi glowered. He threw a spoon at him. "Get it cleaned up."

* * *

From down the hall Levi could hear people talking. They were talking so loud. He turned over in his bed. He had to get up early. He had paperwork to go over, he had to talk with Hanji about her ideas for experiments (none of which were safe or, more importantly, sanitary), he had to meet with Erwin, and he had so much to clean because nobody else in the castle seemed capable of cleaning up after themselves.

He had to get up early and people _knew _that and there they were talking in the hall right outside his door like it was no biggie.

Levi marched to the doorway. Auruo and Petra looked guiltily up from their argument about marzipan.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Levi's voice was like a whip crack. "Unlike _some _people I have work to do tomorrow and have to get up early! Some of us actually work around here! Why don't you get a job? Jesus Christ."

"S-Sorry, Heicho," Petra began.

Levi slammed his door shut, fuming.

* * *

When Levi opened the box that contained crackers he expected, well crackers. To his surprise when he opened the box, all the packets of crackers were gone. It was just an empty box. An empty box taking up a shit load of room in the closet. "Why the fuck did nobody throw this out?" Levi could feel a rant building. "Why is it just sitting in here taking up valuable space? Why the hell did someone just leave garbage in here? Wouldn't the logical thing to do be to throw it out when it's empty? Why is this sitting in here?"

He glared at the other residents of the castle. All of them looked sheepish or overly innocent. With no proof as to who left it in there, Levi had no one to focus his wrath on.

He kicked the box towards the trash. "Good fucking God."

* * *

Plates began to build up. Everywhere. It became not that unusual for Levi to walk into a room and see a stray cup or stray plate sitting there like an owl hunting for mice.

He began to find cups in their bedrooms. So many cups. Why did someone need a cup for every new drink?

Then the garbage. It had to be some sort of physical impairment. No one was physically capable of taking the trash out. Instead it just sat there until Levi did it or he bullied someone else into doing it. In fact people had even started putting trash _by _the trash instead of just emptying the trash.

And the castle as a whole. Everyone's hands must have fallen off because unless Levi cleaned something, everything remained dirty. He couldn't recall the last time he had seen somebody pick up a broom, much less a mop. If someone else cooked, the dirty pots and pans would sit there until he took care of them.

Then there was that time Auruo had asked to borrow some money, only for Levi to find out he had spent it all on beer.

Levi could feel his patience wearing severely thin.

* * *

"You broke it."

Eren flinched. In front of him the broken wash table sat with a pile of clothes that would have killed a cow on top of it. "I—I didn't mean to. I was only trying to do as much as I could to make it quicker."

Levi's eyebrow had developed that strange twitch again. "I thought you said you had lived on your own for years. How is it possible that you don't even know how to do your own laundry?"

Eren turned red. "W-well, Mikasa usually does it for me."

Levi closed his eyes. He counted slowly down from ten. Okay. So now the washer had to be replaced. And he would have to do it. He sighed.

* * *

When Levi finished with what he needed to do for the day he wanted nothing more than to sit down somewhere with a cup of tea and not do or hear anything. That's what he liked. A good unwinding after having to deal with other people's bullshit for eight plus hours.

But now everyday when Levi got ready to settle in for some relaxation all he heard was singing. Bad singing. Raucous singing that was grating on his eardrums and so loud. Across the room from him Gunther started to sing along with Hanji.

Levi buried his face in his hands. His managing to not kill anyone since joining the scouting legion was becoming dangerously close to not being true anymore.

* * *

"Levi seems to be rather tense lately," Hanji observed. She set down her empty coffee cup and then conveniently forgot it where it was. "The other day he went off on a five minute rant about too much soap being used, said we went through two huge bottles in a week. I don't know what he's talking about because I haven't cleaned anything. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head."

"He has become rather insufferable," Erd agreed. "The other day he was yelling at me about plates. What am I, the plate king? It's not my responsibility to find all the plates."

"He was yelling at me for leaving lights on." The corners of Petra's mouth were downturned. "I only left a few on, why's it matter?"

"Yea!" Eren slammed his cup down, spraying coffee everywhere that he didn't bother to wipe up. "He's been a total dick! All I did was use a few spoons! It's a free world! I even offered to spoon with him and he punched me in the face! I know that's how he likes to flirt but it hurt damnit! He tried to kiss me when he was bitching about the trash can too-"

"We need to have a house meeting about this," said Gunther, who was eating the last packet of cookies but had left the empty box in the closet for some other poor slob to deal with. "He can't keep living with us if he's going to be so oppressive."

"Hear, hear!" cried Auruo, raising his beer into the air.

Levi had no idea what the fuck a house meeting was but Hanji had seemed pretty serious when she approached him about it. When he walked into the room she had indicated, everyone was seated there as if they were about to have an intervention.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Now no reason to get upset," said Hanji. "We just have a few things to say to you."

"In regards to what?"

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as the housemates looked at each other. Petra was digging her elbow into Erd's side. "W-we just feel like you've been uhhh…a little stressed out lately."

"…Oh really?"

"Yes, and we've each found it a little unfair that you are taking your stress out on us."

Levi was silent for a long moment. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"You're always yelling," said Hanji.

"And always so grouchy," said Gunther.

"You treat us like children," Petra squeaked.

"And your face is always in this permanent scowl," said Eren, aiming a poke at Levi's face.

"My face always looks like this," Levi growled. "And don't fucking touch me."

"See?!" Auruo cried. "That's what we're talking about! You're always in this shitty mood." He belched loudly.

"I'm always in a shitty mood?" Levi could feel another rant coming on, almost like word vomit. "You want to know why I'm always in a shitty mood? Maybe it's because people are always leaving lights on or maybe it's because people will talk _loudly _all night so I don't get any sleep? Maybe it's because I seem to be the only one capable of doing a single dish in this whole place or how nothing gets cleaned unless I do it. Or how there wouldn't be a single clean plate or cup available here if I don't go scouring for them. Or how empty boxes would sit there and pile up if I didn't take care of it. Or that if anything breaks I'm the one responsible for fixing it. Or maybe it's because every day I have to come back here and listen to the shittiest singing in the history of humankind. Maybe it's because none of you seem capable of wiping your own ass without me there to hold the tissues for you!"

There was a very long moment of silence. The others were looking at each other as if they had reached some sort of agreement.

"Levi," Hanji coughed. "I think it would be best for everyone involved if you moved out."

* * *

A week before the mission outside the wall, Levi got the news.

"Did you hear they burned down half of the castle?" Moblit sighed in aggrieve. "Hanji is always a mess when left to her own devices."

"Eren apparently turned into a titan and destroyed a bunch of fencing at nearby farms as well," added Mike. He sniffed. "Erwin is not going to be happy about this." He looked to Levi. "Are you going to tell him?"

"Nope." Levi leaned back in his chair and placed his boots on his desk. He put on a pair of sunglasses. "I don't give a shit."


	3. Behind Closed Doors

**This fic is so dumb.**

**Chapter 3 Summary: [Levi x Eavesdropping] Levi overhears his squad talking if he would be tops or not.**

* * *

If there was one thing Levi never understood about people it was that they always assumed he wanted to have sex with them. No matter what he did people always seemed to think he was coming onto them or was interested in doing the nasty (which was literal in Levi's train of thought) or that he was giving them smoldering eyes when he glared at them.

Perhaps it was because in his thug days he had used this to his advantage. People were more willing to do you a favor if they thought you were interested in them or that they were going to get some favors of the sexual nature out of it. Perhaps Levi had used that tactic so much he used it unconsciously now, or maybe he had used the smoldering eye technique too often that his face became permanently stuck in that state.

Whatever the case Levi found quite often that people assumed he wanted to do the no pants dance with them. More panties had dropped for him then he could count and people often turned away from him with a blush on their cheeks. And there had been that instance with Eren…He was just going to pretend that hadn't happened.

It wasn't that he didn't like sex per say. He had indulged in it and was certainly no virgin, but it was just so…dirty. Bodily fluids like sweat and spit and the other stuff. Ick. When Levi had sex it typically involved some gloves, a sterile table, a lot of instruction, maybe some stirrups, and as much distance as he could get from his partner. It wasn't strange, it was hygienic!

Whatever the case people still seemed to assume he was some sort of sex craved Casanova. So it was only natural to hear other people discussing his supposed nighttime adventures with would be other people.

Then again he had never heard his squad talk about it before.

* * *

When he first heard it he was bewildered at what he was hearing.

"Nile Dawk." Auruo's voice and Levi stopped in the hallway, confused as to why Auruo was talking about the head of the Military Police.

"Levi tops," Hanji responded. "Nile would protest but Levi would just go on a tangent on how cowardly the Military Police are and Nile would be cowed to his hands and knees. Levi then goes in for the kill."

Levi's eyebrow ticked. What the hell were they discussing? What sort of sick game was this?

"Nanaba," said Petra.

A snort from Hanji. "Nanaba is too nice and Levi's her superior. She'd bend over faster than you could say 'drop the soap'. C'mon now, these are too easy. Give me someone harder!"

Were they really doing what Levi thought they were? It seemed to be some sort of weird game they had invented. One of them would say a name of another person and Hanji would tell them who would tops. _Why _they were asking Hanji of all people was beyond Levi. He could only assume they were asking her because she was a scientist and they figured her hypothesis would have some scientific or logical explanation behind it. _Yea right._

Curiosity got the better of Levi and he settled on the bottom stair. He wanted to know if they truly thought he would always tops (which he would damnit).

"Okay, okay," said Gunther. "Dot Pixis."

Levi shuddered. Oh god. _Him _of all people? He had better taste than that.

"Better," said Hanji. "but Levi would still tops. Not because Pixis is submissive but because Pixis is the sort of crazy freak who would want Levi tops."

"Petra," Auruo ventured the name amid muffled laughter.

From beyond the barely open door Levi could hear Petra squeak. In his mind's eye he imagined her entire face was probably red or that she might possibly be trying to hide under the table.

"Levi tops," said Hanji. "Like Nanaba Petra is too nice to fight over it."

Another squeak from Petra, like a mouse being stepped on.

"Mikasa!" said Eren. The stupid brat sounded like he was enjoying this game way too much. And why he was volunteering his adopted sister! _There is something seriously wrong with you, Eren._

Hanji hummed in what sounded like thought. "Neither would want to give in to the other," she said after a moment. "They'd kill each other _while _fucking or they'd both be dead before they even made it that far."

Levi snorted softly and rolled his eyes. Whatever. Like he would die to a fifteen year old girl.

"Mike," said Erd.

"Now that is a good one! Him I'm not sure about. Mike's pretty laid back but I can't see him being that submissive, and Levi respects him quite a bit. I'd imagine they would switch it up every so often to keep things on an even keel."

"Armin!" Eren again.

"The blond shota?" asked Hanji. "I don't t think they would even get that far. Armin would be so terrified he'd piss himself and Levi would be too disgusted to take it anywhere."

Levi's eyes were wide in the hallway. Seriously? Was this really the best pastime they had when he wasn't around?

"Auruo," Petra burst, apparently trying to get Auruo back for earlier.

"Levi tops."

Auruo made a spluttering sound. "Ab-absolutely not!"

"I'd agree," said Gunther with restrained laughter. "Auruo would bitch and protest but in the end he'd still bend over."

"He'd probably cry too," said Erd.

"Levi would like that," muttered Eren.

Gunther was still laughing. Like Eren he was enjoying this game way too much. "What about you Hanji? Would Levi tops?"

Hanji snorted. "I would definitely tops. Levi would think he would be tops but I'd break him like a wild stallion. He'd be begging for mercy and then begging for more." She paused. "I've always wanted to try pegging. He'd be the perfect candidate."

Pegging? Levi hadn't heard of that before. What the hell was that and why would he be the perfect candidate for it? He thought about it for a moment, trying to picture what exactly that could be, then quickly decided when it came to Hanji he was better off not knowing.

"What's pegg-" Eren began but Petra cut him off. "It's nothing! Absolutely nothing! Nothing at all! Don't you dare tell him, Hanji!"

Hanji chuckled. "It would be good for his education to know but I suppose you are right, he is too young." The sound of her hands clapping together. "Alright, whose next? Give me more!"

"Jean," said Eren, whose voice was suddenly unusually tight, almost like a growl.

"Who?"

"That boy who looks like a horse."

"Oh." A long pause. "I don't think Levi would enjoy screwing animals."

"Wha-what about-" Eren had developed a stutter all of a sudden. It even sounded like he was blushing through the door. "What about me-"

"Erwin!" Gunther shouted so loudly Levi nearly had to plug his ears. "Hanji, do Erwin!"

"Oh god yes," said Auruo. "Please do Erwin."

"Oh yea, Erwin, that's a good one." Even sweet innocent Petra was laughing. Although not so innocent if she knew what pegging was.

"Erwin?" said Hanji. "Well he would definitely have to tops. His personality aside it's a simple matter of psychics that it boils down too. Erwin's too big for Levi to tops."

A burst of laughter from Eren. "Yeah, Erwin would have to tops because Levi's thing would never be able to reach him."

Levi closed his eyes as the sound of raucous laughter boomed down the hallway. Alright. He had heard enough of this.

He stood and pushed open the doors, and immediately everyone became silent. They turned towards the door with wide eyes as if they had just been caught in the midst of a murder. "Ca-captain Levi!" Erd's gaze darted around desperately. "We were just uhhh-"

"Discussing the mission tomorrow?" suggested Levi in a gravely tone.

Erd quickly latched on to that. "Yea, that! That's exactly what we were discussing! The mission!" The others nodded along with him.

"Of course you were." Levi sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. The things he put up with. "Alright it's time for bed. That's an order." Enough games for one night. "Let's go."

They protested like children but they still moved to obey. They went out the door single file with Eren in the rear. As the young teen passed by, Levi leaned in close to him.

"By the way, Jaeger," he whispered. "It would reach."

* * *

**Oh my god I'm so sorry, especially to you Armin. I didn't mean any of it! (even if you are pretty much shota bait) I love every character and every pairing, I'm so sorry oh my god**


End file.
